Baker Academic

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Anthony's Forgive-Me-Jesus Coconut Curry Soup

This the recipe for my 
"Forgive-Me-Jesus Coconut Curry Soup."


I. Stage one: thank Jesus that you have been preordained to love this soup.
A. Bring two cups of holy water to a boil. Reduce to simmer. If needed to fend off vampires, start process over.
B. Julienne carrots supernaturally thin. I use a paring knife to cut the carrots along their length and then use a peeler to get them as thin as John the Baptist's loincloth.
C. Two tablespoons of chicken bouillon. I use "Better than Bouillon" because it's better.
D. Four tablespoons of fish sauce I use "Lucky" because of first-world privilege.
Add all this stuff to the pot. Keep simmering.

II. Stage two: thank Jesus that you have free will to choose this soup recipe.
A. Dice two red (new) potatoes. Add to one cup of cold water. Fondly remember the days when misspelling potato disqualified you from being president.
B. Add one carrot and four cloves of garlic (not "heads of garlic" unless, of course, vampires).
C. Puree all ingredients listed in stage two. Think about the Arian controversy. Wonder if Arius got a bad rap.
Add all of this stuff to the pot. Keep simmering.

III. Stage three: praise Jesus for his critique of civic masculinity. Begin reading The Wife of Jesus: Ancient Texts and Modern Scandals.
A. Julienne 12 green beans. Wonder if Jesus was the leader of a band self-titled "The Twelve" in the same way that The Clash called themselves "the Clash."
B. Tell your daughter to thinly slice one tenth of a red onion. Don't overdo the red onions.
C. Add yellow curry powder to taste (I use about two tablespoons because my favorite aspect of food is how it tastes).
D. Add pinch of turmeric for no reason whatsoever.
Simmer/stir all this stuff for 15 minutes.

IV. Stage Four: apologize to Jesus for your love of shellfish and wanton gluttony.
A. Add lots of raw scallops (not frozen).
B. Add lots raw, deveined shrimp (not frozen). Think of how Jesus was deveined of his divinity in Philippians 2. Pray to Gordon Fee for forgiveness.
C. Add 16 oz. can of Thai Organic Coconut Milk (unsweetened).
D. Julienne and add four green onions (use the green parts).
Keep simmering/stirring for 5 minutes or until Shrimp are pink.

V. Stage Five: eat soup while bragging to your wife about your great talent for soup making. Tell her that you make curry soup better than Jesus.
A. Add some of last night's leftover steamed rice if you're into that sort of thing (I'm not).
B. Clean up your mess and take out the garbage before the shrimp tails stink up the joint.
C. Lose your skubala when your son bounces the dog's tennis ball into the pot.
D. Apologize to your son for losing your temper.
Blog about it.

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